Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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