the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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