just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
