we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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