Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You smell like stripper and shame
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i dont even know how to be here
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
