I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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