i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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