my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
