So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
