by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
