Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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