Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
