Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
