i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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