so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Found the puke drawer
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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