Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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