My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You left your phone here
Wait...
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