just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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