The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
