I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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