i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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