Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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