Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
