Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
