did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's never too late to be topless.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
