Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
