how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
