I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
