your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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