So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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