remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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