I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
