Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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