The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
