Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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