i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
