Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
