The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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