Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
