Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
