There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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