Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
