Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
