I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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