all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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