I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its not stalking. its research.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
