Your face is a jimmy john
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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