I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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