My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
