i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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