Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
